What recovery means to me
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What recovery means to me
Why I do this work and why I want you to do the work, too.
When I tell people I work with eating disorders there is sometimes an assumption that this work is sad, painful, and difficult. In all honesty, there have been moments where that is true, but, overall, I find my work to be so hopeful and energizing. I find my clients to be resilient, caring, curious, and passionate. The conversations I have in sessions are oftentimes filled with so much empathy and knowledge, they push me to consider so many new ideas and concepts. I know that each time I have the opportunity to sit with one of my clients, I will walk out of session a better version of myself. I will continue to show up to this work not only because of how much I value the honor of helping people figure out how to live without an eating disorder, but because of all the amazing gifts that come from sitting and talking with truly amazing people each day.
Basically, I wouldn’t be able to continue showing up every day with amazing human beings if I didn’t full heartedly believe that our time together would bring them closer to healing, self-love, and a healthier self. So, let’s talk about what it might look like to reach recovery from an eating disorder.
First and foremost - food gets to just be food. I would hope that for your recovery we can move away from the idea that there is a hierarchy of things that are good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. We can work on eating in a way that helps us feel good. This goes in all directions - yes, you can eat desserts, candy, and fast food, but it also means being able to eat salads and smoothies and quinoa without moral judgement. All foods fit means… all foods fit. We lose the labels on who we are or what it means to eat different foods at different times. And we make informed choices about eating based on how our body feels and what we’re craving. In Jes Baker’s book “Landwhale” she describes two different types of existence - donut land and diet land. In diet land we are fearful of all things “unhealthy”, eating only diet foods, over exercising, and punishing ourselves for our imperfect bodies. When some people abandon diet land they may leap with full force into donut land - eating all the previously forbidden foods, never having another salad, avoiding exercise, etc. Neither of these places is actually that comfortable or supportive… and usually they don’t feel great. Instead, we want to find that space in the middle - really thinking of it as almost a pendulum that swings a bit, some days leaning toward being a bit more diet-y and some days being a bit more donut-y. But most of the time existing somewhere in the middle, in a place that feels right for your life.
In recovery, our body can ideally find a happy place. This does not mean that your body never changes or that you can just bank on your weight staying the same for the rest of your life, but more that your weight isn’t usually fluctuating in significant ways in short periods of time. You may notice that you get sick for a weekend and have poor appetite and when you’re feeling better you are so hungry and getting in a lot more nutrition. You may also notice that you have an event or holiday that involves lots of yummy food and you eat past your comfortable fullness, but that you have energy to go for walks or you aren’t quite so hungry the next day. When we trust our body, feed it well and consistently, and aren’t trying to micromanage our intake these things can actually be signs of a well-functioning body! Your body’s goal is to find homeostasis - the ability to exist in the ways that keep you functioning in all ways. It’s why we don’t need to count our breaths all day, pump our own hearts with our hands, micromanage our pH levels in our blood (big old eyeroll at alkaline water), and why we don’t need to count our calories or track our micronutrient intake. Our weight is also something that our body prefers to keep relatively stable. When our weight can be stable (not constantly fluxing up and down) it means we have access to enough food and nutrition to meet our needs.
Future, recovered you will be able to experience food + social experiences without freaking out - this can look like birthday parties, travel, restaurant outings, happy hour, literally anything. If you’re able to go from avoiding events/places with food to being able to say yes to activities without fear of eating, that’s a whole lot of life that you get back. And I truly believe that the biggest reason to pursue recovery is for that - to live a full life. That may sound familiar.
Yes, it is possible that future you will be able to look in the mirror without immediately having negative thoughts about yourself. Does that mean that you’re going to love your body every second of every day? I’d love for that to be the case, but I doubt it. It’s more like you’ll spend less time thinking about it, feel less intensity about it, and have more things that you care about more when it comes to your personhood. Poor body image is a life suck - it keeps you trapped in negative thinking patterns, increases your dissatisfaction with life, limits your relationships, and oftentimes leads to you taking tons of time away from your life to pursue beauty ideals that probably aren’t actually going to make you happy…
Health? Medical stability? Maybe. I can’t guarantee that fully. There are possibilities for chronic health conditions, GI struggles, and comorbidities that mean that you may not actually be perfectly healthy because of recovery - but your eating disorder won’t be contributing negatively to your health anymore. This is why I don’t use health as a barometer for a person’s success or how well they are doing - there is a lot that goes into health. Enough for an entire post about it. So no, we aren’t recovering to perfect our health, but our health will improve when we recover from our disordered eating in at least a few ways.
My overall message is this: recovery is worth it. Detaching your self worth from your looks and your body size is worth it. Being able to enjoy your time with friends even when food is around is worth it. Not being cold all the time is worth it. There is SO MUCH life to be lived without the never-ending thoughts of food and body. And I promise that it will be hard to change, to unlearn all the bullsh*t that lead you to here. I also promise that it is worth the time, the effort, and the pain. You can do this. I believe in you. And I’m here for you if you need.
Think we would be a good fit for individual nutrition support? I am currently taking clients in Missouri, Oregon and Washington for virtual sessions. If you’d like to get more information or schedule a session you can find me at www.full-lifenutrition.com